“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Wait a goddamn minute...Who said that?! There's no room for crying here!
Attack it! Fucking get after it. Start the thing. Get going. Get moving. We need you. We need you now more so than ever. You think you’re waiting for your time? Your time is Right Fucking Now.
I say this a lot on Substack & I’ll say it again now: you don’t have as much time as you think. People are dead. Friendships & families are destroyed. Plenty of people are hospitalized & are never getting out. We like to ignore the assisted living facilities where residents there wish they were dead. F5 fucking tornadoes hit the Midwest. Mother Nature, 100% She-Devil that She is, is coming for you next. You can check it out here in the post scrip below. She’s coming for you…
Did I mention we do not have as much time as we like to think?! Sinking in yet?
Dad, what’s it gonna take? Let me ask again, dad: what’s it gonna fuckin’ take? Your dumbass church cannot solve this very human problem. There is no heaven. Heaven must be right fucking here, right fucking now, dad. WAKE-UP!!!
Turns out that heaven is as real as the gigantic skyhook Richard Dawkins references. Seen it lately? Me, neither. Nor has Dr. Dawkins. That’s why he uses it as a metaphor.
The reason we haven’t seen the gigantic skyhook is because it’s not real. You know, like heaven. Yes, kids: gigantic skyhooks dangling from the clouds unattached to anything are not real.
Sorry-Not-So-Sorry, christians. Your shit stanks. And your stupid, annoying, fucking self-righteous judgements stank even worse! Try wagging your goddamn index finger at yourself for a change. Then, you’ll finally understand what honesty is! Honesty is you sucking hard at life & being able to admit it to yourself & to others & to own it.
To own it. To own it. To own it. . .To own it all. Everything. Everything you’ve done to destroy human relationships past, present & future.
Ya still with me here?! WAKE UP!!!
I realize it is 3 AM, but I really need you to…Please, for fuck’s sake with sugar on top: WAKE-UP!
No wonder I get sick around you motherfuckers! You make me sick!
Jesus, simply writing about you is exhausting! Let alone having to hang around you. . .Now, take your laying of hands upon the & get the Motherfuck out of here! Now! You are not welcome. We don’t want you.
“Everyone is Welcome Here” is true until it isn’t. This isn’t all motherfucking sunshine & rainbows & unicorns, mom. You know, just like corporate fakery. We’re “family” until we let you go. Your hr business partner will show you the door & hand you your boxed-up personal belongings. A fine run you’ve had here. Now, get the fuck out!
“Family” let me go. Yep, just like corporate. Fascinating connection, that.
Where the fuck were you on that one, dad? Oh, how often fathers shit the bed…Even their BFF Jesus cannot save them from themselves. You have nothing left to do but pray, & the good people on Substack know how ineffective that is.
Dr. Covey taught me years ago that families are fragile. Now, I get what he meant…
Jesus H. Crackers, is that ever True!
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
―Leo Tolstoy ,Anna Karenina
Easter? I’ll pass.
Mother’s Day? Skip.
Father’s Day? Fucking really? Does anybody really give one flying fuck about Father’s Day? Let’s cut the shit already, People…Go toss dad a CostCo hotdog & let him be happy with that.
Especially if your dad is a christian-nationalist, fascist pig, fucking Nazi extremist like mine is…Yes, he quotes Hitler. I shit you not. Ask Lucille.
The only two things my dad is missing are the Hitler ‘stash & the bad haircut. He’s got everything else down.
Labor Day? I’ll be working, thank you.
Halloween? Yes! I’ll take it! I’ll fuckin’ take it all day long. Wanna know why? I get to be somebody else. Something else. Anything else. And I will scare the living SHIT out of you. To some of you, I’m doing that right now…
I’ve been told that I intimidate.
The closer I get to my true self, the more intimidating I become. Genius lies within the true self. The true self must be uncovered. It is our Mission as artists.
A fake Halloween mask is more real than christian fakery. Catholicism? Even worse. Please don’t fuck with me. . .This Bear’s been poked. Clearly.
Thanksgiving? Ah…well…Nah. Not worth it. I’d simply rather be hanging with my friends, eating, drinking, & betting on NFL football like a Good American. Plus, I’m so fucking sick of turkey that, like snow, if I never see it again, I’ll be happy.
Christmas?
If I could fast forward from Halloween to, oh, let’s say, St. Patrick’s Day each year, I would. That should tell you what I really think about goddamn christmas, cold winters & the stupid “holiday season.” You fuckers can keep it. I’m good. Lucille & I are both good.
This isn’t me playing Ebeneezer Scrooge here, either. This is simply me being me.
But I will take St. Patrick’s Day! Yes! Yes, I will! I get that one!
Now, where were we? Ah, Yes! We don’t have as much time as we think.
So, what do we have? Well, let’s take inventory, shall we?
We have Chutzpah.
We have our idiosyncratic, Effective Truth.
We have balls, both metaphorically and some of us physically. (Side note: when I write “balls”, to me, “balls” = Audacity. Those words are synonymous to me. That’s always the context I imply whenever I use “Balls” in my creations. I do not mean to imply physical, dangling, male ballsacks, though those are forever funny to me. I hope they are to you, too. You’re welcome for the director’s notes.)
We have Substack. We have our Community.
We have kids that we can try our very best every day to not fuck up too badly. You know, like our parents did to us.
We have Frenchie puppies.
We have sushi & Sriracha.
We have martinis.
We have Metal.
We have Duran Duran.
We have Lucille next to us, forever on our side:
We have fabulous friends we would give our left arm to.
We even have a little bit of money to keep this whole motherfucker going…
All actors & authors know, but hate to admit it…without the money, we’re all serving at Applebee’s.
Nobody actually wants to serve at Applebee’s. Nobody. Fuck Applebee’s. It isn’t even good. It shouldn’t exist. Help me shut them all down. Please.
Let’s make the world a better place—together. Bulldoze the fucking Applebee’s restaurants. Let’s build something far, far better instead.
Together.
I am an American. My main differentiation is that I realize all that I have. And I have a fucking Shit Ton of Good Things in my life. Despite all the shit, despite regularly eating shit, despite taking customers’ daily shit, despite the fucking torture, despite the goddamn nightmares, despite the 3 AM writing sessions…I am still here.
I am still here.
I am still here.
I am still here. Standing tall. Fucking Proud. And I Don’t Stop, Goddammit!
I am one Tough Motherfucker.
Finally, if you’re in the fast lane in front of me and you’re over 55 and you’re driving a Honda CRV and you’re doing 45 in the 65 MPH zone, please, pretty please with motherfucking sugar on top……GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!
I invite you to come be tough with me.
Godspeed on She-Devil’s Thunder.
P.S. She’s coming for you. She’s coming for us all…You can see it in her eyes right here…She’s going to take it all…